I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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