You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
