dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
