I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
