Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
