What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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