Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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