Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
