you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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