It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
