She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
