thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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