I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
