dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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