I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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