Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
