I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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