Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
