you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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