You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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