hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
