we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
