yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
