They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
