I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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