You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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