Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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