I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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