Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
