oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
