I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
