My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
