I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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