soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
