I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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