Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
