so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
