I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
