found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
