a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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