well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
