So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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