I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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