Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
