these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
