That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
