Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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