Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
