i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
