It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
