I hate your face
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
