I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
