yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
